Rain Delay

Ok, so its more like Nyquil induced haze. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

But rest assured my little TV junkies, I have my trusty DVR recording away and I promise an inspired and snarky recap of the past three weeks chock full of wack jobs, fame whores and drama queens (male or female, same diff). Oh, and a handful of kids who can SAAANNNGGG, at least  for that brief moment when they auditioned. Not sure what happened to some of them after that. I'm just sayin.

Until next time...ACCHHOOO!!! Damn airplanes.

Season....Is it Really Eight? Seriously?!

So I hope y'all didn't think because I went and got all Zen and Shit this year that it meant that I wouldn't be regaling you with witty banter, searing comebacks and generally biting commentary did you? Well if so, you're wrong suckas! And 20 lashings for doubting me.

And how I have missed you so, my litttle cabbages. I may have missed this stupid show more though. At least, until about 6 weeks (and 40 hours of show) from now when I remember how much I actually hate it. HATE! HATE! HATE! You should have figured out by now that we have this twisted emotionally abusive codependant relationship that no therapist can put asunder.

But this year, AI is promising that it's actually going to change in a few notable areas: The Death of Nigel Lithgow (ok, he's not ACTUALLY dead but in this business jumping ship off the No. 1 show in history is the equivalent of career suicide), the return of the Wild Card selection (basically fame whores the judges have a thing for that get extra TV time regardless of their actual ability - flirt away boys and girls), Reducing the elimination show to 30 minutes (say it with me, HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE JESUS, ALLAH, BUDDHA, MOHAMMAD and GREAT SPIRIT. I told you I went and got all Zen and Shit this year.) and the piece du resistance...a 4th FULL TIME Judge!!!

Ahhh, one CAN find joy in simple pleasures afterall. The addition of Ms. Kara DioGuidardi will prove to be THE most entertaining tidbit of the entire season. Apparently Ms. Paula's antics have become so deliciously unpredictable that they went ahead and brought in another perky brunette thinking we wouldn't notice in case Paula's head actually DOES explode this season. And safe bets are it will. I mean, how would you feel if your husband/wife brought in another wife/husband to "switch things up" without consulting you? Ok, so some of you might LIKE it you little freaks, but you get my drift.

So here we are, 48 hours out from the start of another delectable season of jeers, cheers and oh so many tears (and that's just from Paula before the meds kick in). So tune into Fox at 8 pm on Tuesday, January 13th to experience the magic for yourself. You know you want to.

Thumb Boy v. Mon Chi Chi

Wonders never cease. Someone I actually liked won American Idol. Huh, so this is what it feels like. Totally unfulfulling. Yawn. The Nigels finally figured out how to make amends for the travesty it took them two long years to amend for. Alas, can there REALLY be another Daughtry (though one can never have too many PSRG's) while one is still firmly planted atop the charts 4x platinum, hotter than ever cementing his place in music history?! Hum.

I wish you the best Thumb Boy, I really really do. You're gonna need it.

Until next season my little cabbages...

Simon + Dolly = Best Little House of Horrors

Simon needs to get laid. Seriously. Like headboard banging, toe curling, sweaty, dirty, borderline deviant laid. It must be Ryan's time of the month.

Maybe he's cranky because the theme of the week was Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton. A musical legend about as relevant as drink cozies in the Antarctic. Don't get me wrong, we all love a lil "9-to-5" after a few cocktails at a karaoke bar, but seriously?! I know American Idol likes to play to its base, but since when is its base 50-something, big haired, teeth lackin, country fried steak eatin, waitresses named Alice, from Paris, Texas it's base?

First lamb to the slaughter is Brooke. Brooke comes complete with her own rag tag, shotgun shack, blues band this evening. Way to look even whiter than you already are Snow White. Jolene is about some whore stealing her man. Brooke sings like she wouldn't even know exactly what another woman could possibly possess to make a man do that. It's called a vagina Brooke and it for more than tinkling.

Simon says "yawn"

David Cook got a haircut. No quite the (daughtry) head shaving I predicted, but at this rate, by the finale the (daughtry) transformation should be complete. He does an original (daughtry) arrangment of Little Sparrow. Apparently there is controversy about the arrangements he choose of prior weeks songs (daughtry). Man this show is dull if the only thing they can drum up is controversy from Season 5 (daughtry). It wasn't bad. In fact, it was quite good. Way to go Not So Pocket Sized Rock Wannabe.

Simon says "meh"

Ramiel is tiny. And cute. And sings alright for an elf. And yeah, that's about all I have to say about her too. Next?

Simon says "who?"

Jason is an idiot. A hot delicious, patchouli smelling, hippie boy idiot. He bobble head dolls his way through Travelin' Thru with all the heartfelt intent he could muster. Oh gosh, golly gee, I really DO take this serious judges (bats the eyelashes). Ok Jason. We believe you. Sigh. Now take your shirt of and sing sweet nothings to me...

Simon says "kill me"

Simon hates Carly. He picks apart her voice, her song choice (Here You Come Again - later to be covered by our fave closet case "Gayken"), her hair, her clothes. I'm starting to think its because maybe one night after the show he tried to hit on her and when he was rejected in favor of a guy with BOLTS AND TATTOOS ON HIS FACE got a little po'd. At least in my sick and twisted mind that's how it went down. Carly killed it (of course). And from the look on her face after his comments, he might be next. Ooohh dayum, I'm scared of her.

Simon says "you suck (let's have sex)"

The "AI Experiment" is up singing Smoky Mountain High. He hits every note, feigns every emotion and still I'm bored shitless. Please someone answer me WHY we are so in love with this little asexual dweeb?! He's like saccharin for my ears. At first you think, oooh, kinda sweet, not to bad and then BAM suddenly you are left with this bad taste in your mouth that will one day give you cancer and kill you.

Simon says "BRILLIANT" (just to jack me up)

Kristie Lee is now just double dawg daring us to hate her after last week's blatant glad handing (or hand jobbing, whatever). She warbles The Coat of Many Colors which in my mind I just can't separate from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat, so for the purposes of my blog, its from that musical. She sucks less than ususal, but is still the weakest link and should be sacrificed. Alas, she's showing that she learned a little someone from Dolly and is using a a couple assets to her advantage (you didn't think I'd get through the entire blog without a boob joke did you?1?). Those truckers are pulling over a little longer this week.

Simon says "come and sit on daddy's lap..."(what was all that kissy face shit about anyway?)

Syesha does Dolly via Whitney and sings I Will Always Love You. She really wants to go home doesn't she. You can tell us all you want that you are trying to emulate Dolly's version, but you are 12. You have never heard Dolly's version. And you're black. Pluuuuseee. No matter how good it was (and through gritted teeth I admit that it wasn't half bad) this is a one way ticket back to Miami Papi.

Simon says "stupid girl"

Michael Johns is wearing a purple neckerchief. My damn DVR cut off the judges comments but PLEASE tell me someone made a Hugh Heffner reference. Either way, he has somehow skated along long enough under the radar to actually be hitting his stride with a bluesy rendition of It's All Wrong, But It's Alright. Suddenly NSPSRW* is not looking so hot and talented. Beefcake and talent, will always trump talent. Get ye to the back of the line 5 head. (how quickly they turn...)

Simon says - no fricken clue. Damn DVR.


To quote Seacrest, "You know the drill. Who stays and who goes?"

Well, 8 stay (DUH!) and... THE CLARK BROTHERS!!! I LOVE THEM!!! Ok ,so that will mean nothing to anyone else but the 6 other people who suffered through The Great American Band (daughtry) with me last fall. Anywhoo... EEEEEE!!! BO BICE!!!...ok, focusing.

Ramalamadingdong is outta here. Shocker. I said it before, I'll say it again - cute ain't enuff folks. Besides, we need SOMEONE to hate and thus Kristie Lee lives to see another week.

God Bless the USA.

*NSPSRW = Not So Pocket Sized Rock Wannabe, in case you weren't quick enough to get it the first time ;)

Let's Try This Again Folks...Top 10

Ok, so cut me some slack. I just couldn't hack it. This year appeared to be shaping right up to be a repeat of Season 6 complete with our own annoying Over the Top Flamboyant Ambiguously Gay (ambiguous only if you live south of the Mason Dixon line) Boy somehow convincing Jesus Land that REAL MEN do like show tunes. Yes I'm talking about you Sanjaya "Samson" Malakar and Danny "My Mom Will Cut You" Noriega.

But then a miracle happened - Danny was booted...and so was the stripper....and the annoying angry girl who really couldn't sing a note and looked 35...and the best part of all..this Top 10 CAN sing! Well most if them anyway. And I, miracle of miracles, actually found myself ENJOYING the show again. Thank you Dead (or just really old and weird) Beatles.

So I'm back, snark in full effect and ready to rip some fame whores to shreds...

I would launch right into the horror, but alas I must pay homage as Paula has not disappointed and brought along the crazy for a special night on the town. And the crazy is dressed to impress in an off the shoulder silver sequin number, black opera gloves and enough bling to make Lil Jon go.. whoa dude, that's a whole lotta bling. God bless the crazy.

First Up...

Rama Lama Ding Dong aka Romiele Maluby - There was a time I would have given Ms. Maluby props for having a nice little voice. Alas this poor lil hag has lost her mojo when her gay boyfriend got da boot. Oh poo. What's a poor hag to do? I know, sing Alone by the most kick ass female lead band EVER. A song sung many times (including this season) by contestants who can actually KICK ASS with their voice. Good choice Hagatha. Good choice. (in case you hadn't figured it out - insert sarcasm here) Don't cry. Looks like you might actually be joining your boyfriend on the Rosie O'Donnell Family Values Cruise sooner than you thought. Hope you don't get seasick.


Jason Castro. Yum. I know that probably makes me Mrs Robinson or something (oh, what - he's 20? phew). Jason is so deliciously emo that I could squeeze those luscious big blue eyes right out of his dread lil head. Wait, now that just makes me sound like a serial killer. I digress. Fragile. The all time, undisputed, best Sting song EVER. And what does Jason do? Fucks it all up. Yeah, yeah. He put his emo, I'm a sensitive guitar playing hottie who speaks un pequito espanol, but honestly folks he FUCKED. IT. UP. The point of this song was Stings profound melancholy about the state of the human condition. Jason made it a FUCKING LOVE SONG. Have I made myself clear enough. And if that wasn't bad enough, I am starting to think that Jason is there on some kind of "She's All That" Bet ("Bet! Am I a FUCKING BET!" - ok so I watch WAY too much television) and really could give a rats ass about being a legitimate singer. And frankly, as I am typing this, I am wondering why I care so damn much. Next...

Syesha Mercado 's father is quite attractive and mother looks, well how do I put this delicately, like she might have fallen face first on the ugly stick. Ohhhhhh, too mean? No? Good. SluteshaBRUNG IT tonight with a song I vaguely recalled from the year she was born because I was probably able to legally drink and spent most of it inebriated like any good coed. She was the best I have ever heard her, even when she belted out Aretha while suffering from laryngitis. Really, I'm being serious (for a change). But something just screams LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! when she takes the stage. Oh wait, that's her jumping up and down waving her arms. Shocker. She is truly the first example of the Sadie Hawkins Day of a show (where up is down, good is bad, right is so so so wrong). Hell hath frozen over and pigs maybe flying - oh wait, that's just Sarah Ramirez. My bad. Again. Apparently a pesky lil writers strike enabled someone to take a lil vaca from Jenny.

Chickize sang something by Luther. And the only way I could tell that is that at some point during his song he hit this one note and sounded EXACTLY like Luther. Creepy. Especially since Luther is dead and well, was about 50 years older than my man Cheezy. As much as I love Chickize in all of his aww shucks, totally white friendly blackness, HE has hit his limits. He's Cuba Godding for the recording industry. FANTASMAGORIC in the right vehicle, endearingly gracious in victory (I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!!!) but forgettable and D list outside his realm. What Chickize really needs is his Tom. Think Ryan would be willing to do it? He did touch his face in a show awhile back...maybe he has a lil jungle fever after the pasty white paleness of Mr. Cowell...think about it....


Brooke meet Jason. Jason meet Brooke. Jason, THIS is how you do Sting justice. And no, I don't mean by being a hot blond chick, idiot. Damn, good thing you are cute Castro. Anywhoo, Brooke rocked. She fucked up, started over and STILL rocked. True the crescendo or whatever you call that point in a song ,was a bit too G rated and Disneyfied (the song IS about stalking Brooke, a lil sexual angst might have done it, and you, wonders), but she "worked it out dog". Too bad we have already Sarah Barrellis and Sheryl Crowe and that the Lillith Fair is dead. Brooke sure would make a "swell" addition to that cheery feminazi grouping don't you think?

Michael Johns is...underwhelming. I mean for a guy, for all intensive purposes,who should be this year's stud muffin, Eddy Vedder wanna be, Michael Hutchins reincarnate, he is about as exciting as well...vegamite. Sounds exotic, but is actually quite nasty when you get a taste. So tired of seeing their latest stud experiment scoot by week after week on hotness votes alone, the Nigels pull out all the stops, Queen, lights, camera angling, smoke, screaming girls and suddenly HE ROCKS!!! Everyone says so. But the truth (as my friend who REALLY wants him to be good pointed out to me) the performance, actually kinda stunk. Seems the curse of the beefcake as struck again. Hot doesn't always sell records Mr. Johns. Hope your visa is current. You're gonna need it.

Carly Smithson looks sick. And I don't mean DOPE, sick. I mean sick, sick. Like something is physically wrong. Maybe it was a left over case of "the vapors" she caught last week when she SHOCKINGLY ended up in the Bottom 3. Apparently I am the only person on the planet earth, who thinks Carly is the best singer, hands down, on this show. So I am starting to question my own sanity. Apparently so is Carly. She is singing the best karaoke song of all time "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (only made better if you hear it en francais) and just schlumps her way through it. I mean at the end it looked like she was straining to even get the notes out. Who stole Carly's mojo?!? Danny Noriega get your legging class ass over here right this moment and give Carly back her mojo!!! No WAY that Horse Girl is going to outlast the vocal chops of my favorite Irish Lassie. And her husband kinda scares me. I feel like at any moment he could go ballistic and start throwing chairs and shit. Dude, his FACE is tattooed. There is no telling what this man is capable of.


David Archuletta. Sigh. How do I dislike thee, let me count the ways. Before you jump down my throat and tap dance on what is left of my liver let me explain. Archuletta is the devil. He is. No really. I mean WHO is that happy all the time?! Who is so despeartely cute, big eared and dating a girl who looks creepily like Winnie from the Wonder Years?! Satan that's who. If you recall, Lucifer was God's favorite bright shining star too. Heaped with praise and admiration. he could do no wrong. Then one day, he started to believe the hype. Bit by bit, he thought HE was the reason for God's success. That God needed him, that he was nothing without him. Mark my words Nigels, watch your back with this one. He may look cute, but he's a slippery one. This week cheezy inspiration songs no one has heard of, next songs from Bible camp to lure us in a lil further into the abyss... (And yes, I do know I am insane.)

Kristie Lee Cook. Aka Tefflon. Aka the smartest contestant with the best PR senses in the the history of this show. The girl who has graced the bottom 3 every week since there was a bottom 3, pulled out the slickest stunt ever by playing to her base. In an unprecedented move, Ms. Cook belts out an lackluster, albeit, effective rendition of "God Bless The USA" complete with images of American Flags waving behind her. The only thing missing from this were a couple of Ford Trucks pulling up on stage, driven by Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood himself, complete with gun racks, a highschool marching band and a fireworks display. Even the judges ate it up. Hell, I ate it up. There was a moment last night, where I swear I heard the collective screeching of the tires of every big rig across America pulling over on the highway to show their support via text to AT&T. God Bless the USA.

David Cook. Err. Chris Daugtry. No, David Cook. No, Chris Daughtry. I confused. I mean, he sounds like Chris Daughtry. Dresses like Chris Daughtry. Has the styling and praise of Chris Daughtry. Other than the fact that its not 2006 and David looks more like a thumb than a Pocket Sized Rock God, I can't tell them apart. Seriously. I mean how much longer do the Nigels feel they must attone for their sins of letting Daughtry slip through their webbed fingers for the 3rd Most Shocking Reality TV Moment of all time. Let it go boys. It's ok to cry. You're sorry. What? Oh yeah where was I. Back to Cook. He rocked. Of course. Shocker. Yawn. Wanna make bets about how long it will be before they try and shave his thumb, err, head?

So who's history?

After the joy that can only come from fast forwarding through 59 minutes of torture for 1 minute of information, the votes are in (all 100 billion trillion of them) and Chickzie is outtie. Damn. I will miss his dimpled infectious smile and genuine humility. Ok, enough of that sentimental bullshit. As Simon put it, there is only 1 winner and so what does it matter what order the rest go. True Dat Simon. True Dat.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dummmmmmbbbbb

(and I meant that for for dramatic effect too)

This week's fifth and final excruciating hour is the much hyped, often reviled Results Show aka the biggest waste of ad space on television. This show has more filler than an Oscar Meyer wiener. Did someone say wiener? Back away from the wiener Danny, Colton, Jason Y and David (Hell, possibly Luke, Garrett and Jason C for that matter). This is a family show.

And apparently we have been very, very bad viewers because they couldn't wait to punish us this year jumping right in to the Group Sing the first week. Obviously the stylists wanted a little overtime this year as well - extensions, flat irons and pomade for all!! OH MY!! We are treated to a boring and awkward rendition of a 60s classic that even my self old music loving ass has never heard. Check.

Now onto the eliminations....

Ryan asked Leif Garrett the Second Coming to join him at center stage and... OH SNAP! Did he just eliminate him during his Q&A and once done push him away?!?! Dude, Ryan is FIERCE! This show is looking up after all (TAllegra hears the chorus of Elvis' "Trouble" in her head as she watches grinning deliciously from ear to ear - Because I'm evil, my middle name is misery Well I'm evil, so don't you mess around with me)

And yes, it is "just like that" Dreadboy. Get used to it.

To prove the old adage "fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice..."err or something like that - one of the nondescript blonds is also corralled by Ryan but instead one of the nondescript brunettes, that though I watched her performance less than an hour ago and is smoking hot enough to appear in Maxim in a bikini I can't even recall her name or song, gets das boot. Life is so unfair to us pretty people. Sometimes we actually have to end up WORKING for a living. The horror.

Dude, did I miss something? Is it 1987? Why the hell is Paula Abdul dancing and singing on my TV? And she even seems relatively sober. I'm confused. Am I having flashbacks? Have I broken out into a cold sweat? Help me....mama...

And they say Big Girls Don't Cry. Bye, bye Supermodel Diva whose performance I also cannot recall to save my life. Oh yeah, that song from My Best Friend's Wedding. Where is sassy and fabulous Rupert Everett when a girl needs him? Sit down Danny and shut up. I wasn't talking to you. Oh and look, the cute Asian girl is sobbing. And they say there is tension between the Black and Asian communities. Pshaw. Thanks to the wonders of television, we CAN all just get along. God bless television. God bless the Nigels.

Finally, before I completely loose what's left of my mind, they cut one of my favorite divas the Albino Hobbit. Oh and look her girlfriend, Danny is sobbing too. Poor Ms. Thang.

Ok, I'm bored. Next?

Top 24...or so we think

You know what I love about American Idol? They think we are stupid.

Ok, so we might be...ahem, Sanjaya, yeah I'm talking about you douchebag. But what I really mean is that they will give us a Top 24 full of standout fresh faces and talent juxtaposed agianst a big old helping of "Who the Hell?!" and then "allow" the American public to "vote" on who actually becomes OUR American Idol.

So being the kind and giving soul that I am, I thought I would guide you through the selection of the Top 12 they (they being the ever omnipotent Nigels) WISH they could cut directly to save you any undue strain that thinking might impose upon your poor overworked pea sized brain.

The Nigels Dream Team - Top 12

THE PROS - Michael "Hutchence" Johns, Carly "I Married a Guy with Tattoos ON HIS FACE" Smithson and David "Node Boy" Archuleta. Ok, this show is SO FREAKED out that pretty much every Idol it ever had has plummeted down the charts in recent history, that they aren't taking any chances. They figure that if they take an already "has been" (or never once was) that received a certain amount of critical acclaim for their previous recordings that they might actually have a shot at success with the publicity machine of AI/19 behind it. Something of reverse psychology you could say. Smart thinking boys.

THE DIVAS - Alexandra "Missy" Lushington, Syesha "I'm So Pretty, Oh So Pretty" Mercado and Asia'h "Daddy's Girl" Epperson. Lesson 101 of American Idol - Divas (read loud black girls) ALWAYS cancel each other out on this show. But maybe this year that could all change. Wait. I forgot about Fantasia. My bad. Sorry ladies -I'm sure there is a revival of Dreamgirls playing somewhere in a town near you.

THE ROCKERS - Robbie "Backstreet" Carrico, Amanda "Nurse Ratchet" Overmeyer and David "Emo" Cook. Ok, I'm gonna say it. Chris Daughtry was a fluke. Ask Bo Bice. Yawn. And don't we already have Rockstar - INXS aka Supernova aka Has Been 80's Rockers for 500 Alex?

THE SENSITIVE SOULS - Brooke "Snow" White, Kristy Lee "Horse Girl" Cooke and Chikezie "Easy as a Sunday Morning" Izie. For the viewer easily frightened by the sheer prospect of the aforementioned rock triumvirate, I offer you up a nice helping of ooey gooey blech on a stick. Sure these kids are talented and not bad on the eyes, but we already have Jordin Sparks. My teeth still hurt from last year.


So there you have it. Are we gonna buy it America? Are we going to let the British once again come to our shores and dictate (hell, they have already planted an Aussie and Irish Lassie in our midst) what we puritans should consider entertainment?

I say HELL NO!!! Fight back my little lemmings. Show those bad teethed, tea drinking, cockney blokes what we cowboys are made of ! Vote for Vanilla. That's right, The Bottom 12 I didn't even bother to mention above. You know who I'm talking about. The mostly nondescript, indiscernible freaks that appeal to Jesusland who still teach abstinence in school in the year 2008. That'll show them.

Then maybe then they will get back to the purity of this show. Kids whose only experience was singing in their highschool choirs, church or to the cows in the fields. Not these fame whorey, polished, annoying beoches and sons of beoches that seem to have invaded my one last baston of pure, un-mark burnett-ized, reality tv.

Ok, I'm done. Now, remember your homework for next week's elimination rounds my darlings. And in case you think that I am totally off my rocker, you did realize the title of my blog is "Idol Rants" right?

Until next week...

YAY! It's Almost Over...

The auditions anyway. I couldn't bring myself to blog about these losers. I mean WTF. Ugly, Baby Mama Drama, Crazy, Vanilla Talent. Yawn.

Don't worry mon petite chou, I will be back once the Top 24 are identified. Then I can then pick them apart by name and that is SO MUCH more fun.

(Civic) Duty Calls

Sorry for the delay folks, but THE MAN got me.

I was empaneled on a jury for the world's most BORING Civil Litigation Trial for the past few days and now the coming week. THE MAN has no sympathy for the fact that I have a job, a life AND an adoring public that needs me.

I promise my little cabbages that when I can finally catch up (after being expected to spend 9 hours on a jury, 2-4 hours a night trying not to let my workload get behind and oh yeah, HAVE A LIFE) I won't miss of minute recaping the GLORIOUS DEBOTCHERY that is ...American Idol.

Happy 2008 Everyone

Hello Again My Little Liebchen,

I know you missed me so. Hell, I missed me so.

A new year. A new outlook. A new season of AI. I feel as perky and pretty as Queen Carrie Underwood at the CMA's, Grammy's, American Music Awards, MTV Music Awards, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

What a year it has been for our favorite Idol contestants...

How the mighty have fallen:
* Taylor Hicks (Dropped on his head. We suspected.)
* Ruben Studdard (Dropped on his big old ass)
* Kelly Clarkson (Pissed off Clive. Kelly, let me introduce you to someone. You may have met. Justin G...)
* Ms. Clay Aiken (Outed and ousted)
* This just in! Katherine McPhee (Pretty but apparently, not that talented. Dropped.)

Oh, but how the underdogs have risen:
* Jennifer Hudson (Oscar anyone???)
* Bo Bice (2nd Album released and it actually sounds like Bo. Praise Jesus.)
* Fantasia (Broadway Baby)
* and my own beloved Christopher Adam Daughtry (Really people, do I even need to explain?!? If so, log off my blog IMMEDIATELY!!!)

Though I have somehow "gotten a life" over the past few months and haven't seen a single commercial for American Idol, I can confidently (ok, if last year was any indication, mostly confidently) say that this is going to be the best year yet! Ok, so technically it would only be the best year yet if they let the Pocket Sized Rock God (again, if I have to explain, LOG OFF!) go through another round and procure the title that was rightfully his, but I digress.

So tune in here my friends every Wednesday and Thursday for a little wit, visceral spewing and a lot of rambling about everyone's favorite guilty pleasure. Maybe this will be the year that Paula will FINALLY have that Britney Spears meltdown we have all been waiting patiently for. One can only hope...and pray...

See you next Tuesday at 8:00 p.m.!

Took Them Long Enough

for a shocker elimination. If you think that the predictable elimination of the best and most loved contestant on this damn show is shocking.

While I always thought that Melinda was DA BOMB of a contestant - head and shoulders above the pack, I never viewed her as marketable. And apparently neither did the Nigels. If you think it was actually the audience votes that eliminated her and not a couple of scared pasty brits who pulled the plug for fear of another Idol Winner Has-Been (ahem Ruben, Fantasia, Taylor I'm talking to you) then I have some lovely Louisiana Gulf Coast beach-front property to show you.

So that leaves the Human Beat Boxin' Entertainer and the soon to be Mouseketeer. Oh joy. There is a reason the rumor mill has the Nigels bringing the PSRG (Pocket Sized Rock God - Chris Daughtry to those of you living under a rock for the past few months) onto the show for the Finale....No not for my sheer amusement - ratings people, ratings.

And Baracudda Boy - I guess I can't call you that anymore. That voice, that hair, THOSE TEETH! Welcome back New and Improved (though a little creepy) Elliot, you proved that you are the real deal. Hell, if they couldn't have given me Daughtry last year they could have at least given us the voice. Dayum, when they are wrong, they are W-R-O-N-G.

And with that, one more week left my lil leapshin until we part ways. Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow...

A Moment (or 10) of Weakness

Maybe it was the PMS. Or the lingering feeling that I am getting a cold. Or possibly the fact that when I stopped the TiVo in the middle of the most recent episode of Gillmore Girls, there it was...Bon Jovi Night.

You all know that I have a weakness for short, hot rockers, so there I sat - paralyzed with fascination.

It's amazing how you can completely garner the gist of an entire 1 hour show in a short 10 minutes:

Ryan - when did he get smokin hot (hello there 5 o'clock shadow, where have you been for the past 6 seasons)

Simon - still as cranky (and right on) as ever

Randy - nice make-up dawg (never noticed that before)

Paul - still drunk and botoxed as ever

Jordin - hmmmm, Disney is rethinking the contract after that performance. You're gonna need more than a Prayer to keep you out of the bottom.

Blake - ATROCITY!!! You spat (beat box, spat, po-tay-to, po-taa-toe) on a classic rock anthem(You Give Love a Bad Name). DONE WITH YOU!

Chris - Ummm, just cause your cute and your name is Chris doesn't mean you can do Wanted Dead or Alive. Buh-bye.

Phil - you're still there? Flash in the pan more than a Blaze of Glory.

Melinda - you haven't won yet? You're having more than a Nice Day sister.

Lakesha - Welcome back diva. That was one hell of a Love Song.

Who do I think will be booted this week? Honestly, it should be Kelly Clarkson getting her crown revoked for a JOKE of an album she conned the label into letting her first write and actually release.

And with that, sanity prevailed and I was back safely ensconced in the witty banter of those clever Gillmore chicks.

ON STRIKE!

I am boycotting American Idol until further notice.

I am currently in negotiations with the producers to do a recall of all current contestants, in effect creating a "do over" scenario that would lead to a more satisfactory Top 12 than we were subject to this time around. I will NOT watch until this has been resolved...or until Chris Daughtry returns to my TV (rumor has it, possibly sometime in May)

Eight IS Enough

Just couldn't bring myself to watch it this week kids. I know, I know. But Check out the granddaddy of all American Idol Recaps here.

Maybe next week...

Be Careful What You Wish For

And the Genie asks, "If you could have one wish, what would it be?" Hmmmm... a million dollars? To live forever? To be able to eat an entire gallon of chocolate ice cream and not gain weight nor have that lactose induced icky side effect?

What's that you say? I already asked for my wish? What tha...

POOF!!! And on my television there it is. Michael Buble replacing an ailing Tony Bennett in all of his drunken fabulousness. Michael must have been hanging out with Paula before the show. This IS almost as good as fartless chocolate ice cream. God bless The Nigels. I guess they know what they are doing afterall. FINALLY a reason to watch the results show.

And said results portion breaks the groups down into three and asks us which are the top, bottom and middle. Hmmm, this is going to be SOOOO suspenseful. I care barely stand it (yawn).

Chris, Blake and Sanjaya - Well, Sanjaya is there, so you know they must be safe. This must be the mediocre group.

Haley, Gina and Phil - Please.

Jordin, Melinda and LaKesha - Top 3 of course. America is not (always) THAT stupid.

And after all the Chris Daughtry comparisons, it's apropos that Gina is the one sent Home. And how mean (and again apropos) is it that Gina has to sing Smile as her swan song. He, he. You can't write this shit, but you can produce the HELL out of it. Just when I think we have broken up, I fall back in love with this show all over again. I love you American Idol. I really, really do.

Faithfully Yours,
T'Allegra

Yay, It's Tuesday

And being that it's actually the following Sunday when I'm typing this, you will get the level of sarcasim I intended when I thought up that title. Let's get this over with.

Ryan is the new Regis Philbin (check out those monochromatic suits) and with Regis one foot into the grave, I assume that Ryan sees ANOTHER opportunity to make millions at procuring yet another high paying top rated television gig.

And speaking of old men, one foot in the grave they introduce Tony Bennett. Yeah, yeah I like Tony Bennett too but why during the one year there is no John Stevens or even David Radford . At least it could have been somone a little more relevant to this generation, a Michael Buble perhaps. Since they have spent the last 12 weeks BUTCHERING his songs, its the least they could do...

Way to smack The Blake down Tony. I love you. Every song doesn't need a beat Blake. Oh wait, maybe Blake does though. His rendition of Mack the Knife felt like it should be sung by Chris R. Maybe when I think of these songs I think of cigarettes, scotch and men who have REALLY lived life ya know? Not some 5'6", barely post pubescent, over frosted, hip hop lightster from Seattle. Alas, they liked it. But I don't care anymore. I'm just trying to make it to Season 6.

Ok, so some songs DO need a beat. Way NOT to listen to Tony, Phil. I'm starting to wonder why they are bringing in these VIP guests anymore. These kids are so convinced they are already superstars (DOUBLE WRETCH!!!) that they never take the advice. And again, all I could see during his performance of Night and Day was an emaciated Billy Corgin singing a love song to me and it scared me more than a little bit. Don't suck my blood Billy. I'll be good. I promise.

Melinda will wipe up the floor with the kids while singing I've Got Rhythm. In fact, henceforth she shall be referred to as "Swifer". And the only thing that I wish is that she was a little "quicker" in "sweeping up" this whole damn thing. What if she doesn't? Well, this IS American Idol so she probably will not. But unlike Melinda herself, I have confidence that this won't be the last we see of Swifer. You sure got IT my sista.

OH MY GOD! I LOVE the pimping. Nice entrance Chris. When I hear Don't Get Around Much Anymore I think Harry (Yum to the 1,000th power). Too bad Chris can't sing all that well, cause I'm "coming around" to his looks. I must really be bored/desperate/horny/all of the above. Whatever. The stylists and the producers are definitely doing their job - well. Dammit.

Jordin is cute. The song is cute. Tony's Century 21 Jacket was cute. But after Chris' little attempt at suducing me, On a Clear Day just comes off flat. I know, that's not fair to Jordin because it was actually a good performance. But them's the breaks kid. I don't have enough attention to go around these days. I'm a busy busy woman.

Gina does a pretty good job with Smile. Pretty good, is as good as Gina will ever get. And what was THAT Ryan? The fastest blow off I have EVER seen in the history of this show. Barely a show dictated pimp for her call in number. Could this be a sign of not so great things to come for Ms. Glocksen?

Oh Sanjaya is up next. I get it. I guess the show has figured out what people REALLY want to see. Tony vs. Sanjaya reminds me of an episode of the old Western movies where the good cowboy and the bad cowboy face off in the middle of the street. But instead of bullets a flying, Mr. Bennett, in true gentlemanly style, finds a way to disarm Sanjaya by calling him interesting and terrific and a (gasp) good singer?!?! What a pro. How much do you think they paid him to say that? Cynical party of 1, your chariot straight to hell awaits. By the way, Sanjaya's singing still sucks and the hair is as bad as you expect all while dancing with Paula singing Dancing Cheek to Cheek. Please...I would have been more likely to buy it if he would have danced with Ryan. Or Ryan with with Simon.

Wait, hold up. Did Sanjaya just yell "WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSE OF SANJAYA!" at Simon?!? Oh, no. Now he's gone and done it. It's SOOOOOO ON!!! Watch your back Howard, I'm now gunning for your boy.

Oh look its Sluterra, errr, Haley. Nice boobs Haley. That's what you want me to say isn't it - you are the one who wore that dress afterall. Ain't Misbehavin, righttttttt. With this performance, Haley just secured` her spot as the headline entertainment for the next Princess Cruise season.

What were Sanjaya's dad and Ryan doing during the break? I have NO idea and am more than a little afraid to ask. Leave your comments at the end of this blog.

LaKesha pulled a Scarlet O'Hara and made a fierce dress out of old drapes. Stormy Weather is a hot song and LaKesha kills it. Who needs New York, I think the next VH1 reality show should be finding a man for LaKesha where instead of talking, everyone would have to sing and her ultimate mate would sing a duet with her at the end of the series. No? Ok, ok I'm a blogger, not a television writer. Back off me...


LOSERS (aka Bottom 3)
Phil
Haley
Gina

American Idiot

And no, it's not my husband. I am done being pissed at him...for now.

Is it Ryan Seacrest? Nope. Though I am pretty sure that if you Google American Idiot, that Wikipedia would show you a big old picture of a grinning Ryan Seacrest rolling around in his piles of money. Wait, guess that doesn't make him an idiot does it. Hmmm...

It's gotta be Sanjaya then. Well while he's surely a few samosas short in the tangine, playing along with the sick joke that has turned into a cultural phenomenon, is probably the most lucrative thing that Princess Jasmine will ever do.

No, the American Idiot in question is each and every one of us who, for a moment, actually believed that the Juggernaut that is American Idol would produce yet another bona fide musical sensation year after every mind numbing year. STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

So as the weeks go on, you will find that I am going to focus less and less on the details of what is left of this so-called singing competition, and instead join the army of lemmings who have apparently made it their life's mission to totally F with what little decent entertainment is actually left on Fox TV. Why don't you just go ahead an bring back Temptation Island and How to Marry a Millionaire while you are at it? Go ahead, pour salt in the wound!

So who goes home tonight? Chris Sligh (when I'm right, I'm right). While he proved that he is the King Ass of all Asses in the Kingdom on Assdom, alas he could actually sing. So OF COURSE he's the next to join the prestigious ranks that get to have the latest hit of another prematurely booted Idol serve as their swan song to usher them into the next era of their inevitably lackluster careers. Oh Hazzah! Life is Good. Or it Sucks. And then you die.

So until next week my little chiquitas when Satan dons a parka and Wilbur changes his name to Dumbo.

The State of Our Union

My husband, who DESPISES the show mind you, voted for 1 hour for Sanjaya. He didn't even vote in the last election. What do you think the Dixie Chicks would have to say about that?

Boys are stupid

Yeah, you heard me. Why is that you ask? Because I would have spent precious time wittily recounting the first few moments of the show, enjoying the clever banter between Simon and Ryan (oh you randy boys), while making fun of this week's theme but nooooo....the stupid boy in my life decides to pick THIS moment to bicker over who has rights to the TiVo when everyone knows you CANNOT POSSIBLY watch American Idol live....pfft. So in true martyr spirit I let him have the TiVo to make a point. What point I am not sure, but ohhhh, trust me, one was made.

So, someone will need to explain to me the relationship between Gwen Stefani - the Police (Chris S) and Donna Summer (Lakesha)? To me it sounds like a bad joke - three pop stars walk into a bar...No matter. American idol stopped making sense years ago. Why do I continue to ask these dumb questions.

When I FINALLY settle in, Gina was so busy crying over her girl crush on Gwen (really who can blame her - Ms. Gwen is FIERCE) that she forgot to put on pants. And again with the Chrissy Hines? Ah forget it. GO SANJAYA! Oh wait, not yet? Sorry. She did a'yite. Don't get so excited Miss G, best performances comments on this show are always relative.

Sanjaya and His Hair did an AMAZING performance of Bathwater to impress Ms. Gwen who is also his (only) girl crush. And when I say AMAZING, I mean bad. Bad in a I forgot the words, have no sense of tempo, nor do I have a rythmic bone in my skinny little body but in the most FABULOUSLY BAD WAY! GO SANJAYA!!! This shit is yours to loose.

Haley thinks she can out-Cyndi, Cyndi Lauper while doing her best Katherine McPhee. Like I am a nice girl, SPANK ME HARD kinda way. Dirty Haley, you are a very dirty girl . I think Haley is MY new girl crush. Oh wait, look! Something shiny! POOF! It's gone...

Phil sings the most overplayed song of the 80's. So overplayed, that I think the Police refuse to even claim it anymore. Hell, after this performance I wouldn't. Isn't it about sexual desire and stalking and all of that stuff a good Lifetime movie is made off? A can of mace and a good loud BOO would be enough to scare Phil away. Yawn.

While watching Melinda's audience with Fair Gwen, I began to notice that Gwen is strangely lacking in any facial expressions this evening. Too young for botox. No word of a tragic accident resulting in temporary facial paralysis. Is she just regretting associating herself with this group of contestants so much, that every word that comes from her pursed lips is through gritted teeth? No matter, Melinda is still the best around. Even singing a song I have NEVER heard in my life.

Blake forgot the red lipstick. I mean he had the shirt and the pants and the whiny 80's goth anthem down. Why stop there. He could have borrowed Billy Ray's Mullet from last week's Dancin and really Sanjaya'd it out. Lots of Aqua Net. A little gelatin maybe. Why am I rambling on about style instead of singing? Did you listen to that? Snooze fest. There were like 3 lines that he kept singing OVER AND OVER. I can barely tolerate the Cure as it is. Definitely not in a loop.

And did Simon and Paula just curse Blake by using the words "Chris Daughtry" and "Finale"? Heh, sorry dude. You're toast.

Jordin needs to stick to torch songs. Pop music is so not her. Eeek, that outfit. Singing about sex with Groupies? Ohhhhh nooooo. But the judges, starved for actual talent, pimp her. Fitting in this case.

Chris R does and almost decent job with, in my opinion, one of the best pop songs ever written "Don't Speak" (side note, check out the version by Leela James - HOLY CRAP!) Oh wait. There it is. He looses it half way through. Way to live up to the low expectations I have for you JT Jr. But you made Paula swoon, so that should solidify your spot as this season's (WRETCH!!!) heart throb.

Bottom of the Barrel (after last week's switch up, everyone but Sanjaya could end up down there so I thought I'd play it safe)
Haley
Chris S
Phil

Tomorrow, Gwen pimps her latest disaster of an album, but will inevitably look FABULOUS while doing so.

OH SNAP!

Recap, Recap, Over the Hill 60's Teen Idol reliving his final 15 minutes of fame before he keels over and now we move onto the slaughter.

Sanjaya is not in the bottom three? Shocker. Not. Thanks Howard. Stephanie and Chris are in the bottom... two?!?! When did they flip the script like that? (like my street cred? I know, I'm soooo cool). Clever Nigels, clever. You are tricky little minx you are.

Stall, stall, stall. Some cougar named LuLu singing something (better than any of the contestants I might add) that I vaguely recognize and after that, Stephanie gets Daughtry-sized.

Wait, wait. Hold up...WHAT DID QUEENY QUEEN McQUEEN JUST SAY?! ARE YOU F'N KIDDING ME?!? Someone pinch me cause I MUST be dreaming! What the HELL is wrong with this country!?!

On second thought, never mind. I just realized that I don't really care that much. But I do think I think I have fallen back in love with this crazy lil show all over again.