Simon + Dolly = Best Little House of Horrors

Simon needs to get laid. Seriously. Like headboard banging, toe curling, sweaty, dirty, borderline deviant laid. It must be Ryan's time of the month.

Maybe he's cranky because the theme of the week was Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton. A musical legend about as relevant as drink cozies in the Antarctic. Don't get me wrong, we all love a lil "9-to-5" after a few cocktails at a karaoke bar, but seriously?! I know American Idol likes to play to its base, but since when is its base 50-something, big haired, teeth lackin, country fried steak eatin, waitresses named Alice, from Paris, Texas it's base?

First lamb to the slaughter is Brooke. Brooke comes complete with her own rag tag, shotgun shack, blues band this evening. Way to look even whiter than you already are Snow White. Jolene is about some whore stealing her man. Brooke sings like she wouldn't even know exactly what another woman could possibly possess to make a man do that. It's called a vagina Brooke and it for more than tinkling.

Simon says "yawn"

David Cook got a haircut. No quite the (daughtry) head shaving I predicted, but at this rate, by the finale the (daughtry) transformation should be complete. He does an original (daughtry) arrangment of Little Sparrow. Apparently there is controversy about the arrangements he choose of prior weeks songs (daughtry). Man this show is dull if the only thing they can drum up is controversy from Season 5 (daughtry). It wasn't bad. In fact, it was quite good. Way to go Not So Pocket Sized Rock Wannabe.

Simon says "meh"

Ramiel is tiny. And cute. And sings alright for an elf. And yeah, that's about all I have to say about her too. Next?

Simon says "who?"

Jason is an idiot. A hot delicious, patchouli smelling, hippie boy idiot. He bobble head dolls his way through Travelin' Thru with all the heartfelt intent he could muster. Oh gosh, golly gee, I really DO take this serious judges (bats the eyelashes). Ok Jason. We believe you. Sigh. Now take your shirt of and sing sweet nothings to me...

Simon says "kill me"

Simon hates Carly. He picks apart her voice, her song choice (Here You Come Again - later to be covered by our fave closet case "Gayken"), her hair, her clothes. I'm starting to think its because maybe one night after the show he tried to hit on her and when he was rejected in favor of a guy with BOLTS AND TATTOOS ON HIS FACE got a little po'd. At least in my sick and twisted mind that's how it went down. Carly killed it (of course). And from the look on her face after his comments, he might be next. Ooohh dayum, I'm scared of her.

Simon says "you suck (let's have sex)"

The "AI Experiment" is up singing Smoky Mountain High. He hits every note, feigns every emotion and still I'm bored shitless. Please someone answer me WHY we are so in love with this little asexual dweeb?! He's like saccharin for my ears. At first you think, oooh, kinda sweet, not to bad and then BAM suddenly you are left with this bad taste in your mouth that will one day give you cancer and kill you.

Simon says "BRILLIANT" (just to jack me up)

Kristie Lee is now just double dawg daring us to hate her after last week's blatant glad handing (or hand jobbing, whatever). She warbles The Coat of Many Colors which in my mind I just can't separate from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat, so for the purposes of my blog, its from that musical. She sucks less than ususal, but is still the weakest link and should be sacrificed. Alas, she's showing that she learned a little someone from Dolly and is using a a couple assets to her advantage (you didn't think I'd get through the entire blog without a boob joke did you?1?). Those truckers are pulling over a little longer this week.

Simon says "come and sit on daddy's lap..."(what was all that kissy face shit about anyway?)

Syesha does Dolly via Whitney and sings I Will Always Love You. She really wants to go home doesn't she. You can tell us all you want that you are trying to emulate Dolly's version, but you are 12. You have never heard Dolly's version. And you're black. Pluuuuseee. No matter how good it was (and through gritted teeth I admit that it wasn't half bad) this is a one way ticket back to Miami Papi.

Simon says "stupid girl"

Michael Johns is wearing a purple neckerchief. My damn DVR cut off the judges comments but PLEASE tell me someone made a Hugh Heffner reference. Either way, he has somehow skated along long enough under the radar to actually be hitting his stride with a bluesy rendition of It's All Wrong, But It's Alright. Suddenly NSPSRW* is not looking so hot and talented. Beefcake and talent, will always trump talent. Get ye to the back of the line 5 head. (how quickly they turn...)

Simon says - no fricken clue. Damn DVR.


To quote Seacrest, "You know the drill. Who stays and who goes?"

Well, 8 stay (DUH!) and... THE CLARK BROTHERS!!! I LOVE THEM!!! Ok ,so that will mean nothing to anyone else but the 6 other people who suffered through The Great American Band (daughtry) with me last fall. Anywhoo... EEEEEE!!! BO BICE!!!...ok, focusing.

Ramalamadingdong is outta here. Shocker. I said it before, I'll say it again - cute ain't enuff folks. Besides, we need SOMEONE to hate and thus Kristie Lee lives to see another week.

God Bless the USA.

*NSPSRW = Not So Pocket Sized Rock Wannabe, in case you weren't quick enough to get it the first time ;)