Let's Try This Again Folks...Top 10

Ok, so cut me some slack. I just couldn't hack it. This year appeared to be shaping right up to be a repeat of Season 6 complete with our own annoying Over the Top Flamboyant Ambiguously Gay (ambiguous only if you live south of the Mason Dixon line) Boy somehow convincing Jesus Land that REAL MEN do like show tunes. Yes I'm talking about you Sanjaya "Samson" Malakar and Danny "My Mom Will Cut You" Noriega.

But then a miracle happened - Danny was booted...and so was the stripper....and the annoying angry girl who really couldn't sing a note and looked 35...and the best part of all..this Top 10 CAN sing! Well most if them anyway. And I, miracle of miracles, actually found myself ENJOYING the show again. Thank you Dead (or just really old and weird) Beatles.

So I'm back, snark in full effect and ready to rip some fame whores to shreds...

I would launch right into the horror, but alas I must pay homage as Paula has not disappointed and brought along the crazy for a special night on the town. And the crazy is dressed to impress in an off the shoulder silver sequin number, black opera gloves and enough bling to make Lil Jon go.. whoa dude, that's a whole lotta bling. God bless the crazy.

First Up...

Rama Lama Ding Dong aka Romiele Maluby - There was a time I would have given Ms. Maluby props for having a nice little voice. Alas this poor lil hag has lost her mojo when her gay boyfriend got da boot. Oh poo. What's a poor hag to do? I know, sing Alone by the most kick ass female lead band EVER. A song sung many times (including this season) by contestants who can actually KICK ASS with their voice. Good choice Hagatha. Good choice. (in case you hadn't figured it out - insert sarcasm here) Don't cry. Looks like you might actually be joining your boyfriend on the Rosie O'Donnell Family Values Cruise sooner than you thought. Hope you don't get seasick.


Jason Castro. Yum. I know that probably makes me Mrs Robinson or something (oh, what - he's 20? phew). Jason is so deliciously emo that I could squeeze those luscious big blue eyes right out of his dread lil head. Wait, now that just makes me sound like a serial killer. I digress. Fragile. The all time, undisputed, best Sting song EVER. And what does Jason do? Fucks it all up. Yeah, yeah. He put his emo, I'm a sensitive guitar playing hottie who speaks un pequito espanol, but honestly folks he FUCKED. IT. UP. The point of this song was Stings profound melancholy about the state of the human condition. Jason made it a FUCKING LOVE SONG. Have I made myself clear enough. And if that wasn't bad enough, I am starting to think that Jason is there on some kind of "She's All That" Bet ("Bet! Am I a FUCKING BET!" - ok so I watch WAY too much television) and really could give a rats ass about being a legitimate singer. And frankly, as I am typing this, I am wondering why I care so damn much. Next...

Syesha Mercado 's father is quite attractive and mother looks, well how do I put this delicately, like she might have fallen face first on the ugly stick. Ohhhhhh, too mean? No? Good. SluteshaBRUNG IT tonight with a song I vaguely recalled from the year she was born because I was probably able to legally drink and spent most of it inebriated like any good coed. She was the best I have ever heard her, even when she belted out Aretha while suffering from laryngitis. Really, I'm being serious (for a change). But something just screams LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! when she takes the stage. Oh wait, that's her jumping up and down waving her arms. Shocker. She is truly the first example of the Sadie Hawkins Day of a show (where up is down, good is bad, right is so so so wrong). Hell hath frozen over and pigs maybe flying - oh wait, that's just Sarah Ramirez. My bad. Again. Apparently a pesky lil writers strike enabled someone to take a lil vaca from Jenny.

Chickize sang something by Luther. And the only way I could tell that is that at some point during his song he hit this one note and sounded EXACTLY like Luther. Creepy. Especially since Luther is dead and well, was about 50 years older than my man Cheezy. As much as I love Chickize in all of his aww shucks, totally white friendly blackness, HE has hit his limits. He's Cuba Godding for the recording industry. FANTASMAGORIC in the right vehicle, endearingly gracious in victory (I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!!!) but forgettable and D list outside his realm. What Chickize really needs is his Tom. Think Ryan would be willing to do it? He did touch his face in a show awhile back...maybe he has a lil jungle fever after the pasty white paleness of Mr. Cowell...think about it....


Brooke meet Jason. Jason meet Brooke. Jason, THIS is how you do Sting justice. And no, I don't mean by being a hot blond chick, idiot. Damn, good thing you are cute Castro. Anywhoo, Brooke rocked. She fucked up, started over and STILL rocked. True the crescendo or whatever you call that point in a song ,was a bit too G rated and Disneyfied (the song IS about stalking Brooke, a lil sexual angst might have done it, and you, wonders), but she "worked it out dog". Too bad we have already Sarah Barrellis and Sheryl Crowe and that the Lillith Fair is dead. Brooke sure would make a "swell" addition to that cheery feminazi grouping don't you think?

Michael Johns is...underwhelming. I mean for a guy, for all intensive purposes,who should be this year's stud muffin, Eddy Vedder wanna be, Michael Hutchins reincarnate, he is about as exciting as well...vegamite. Sounds exotic, but is actually quite nasty when you get a taste. So tired of seeing their latest stud experiment scoot by week after week on hotness votes alone, the Nigels pull out all the stops, Queen, lights, camera angling, smoke, screaming girls and suddenly HE ROCKS!!! Everyone says so. But the truth (as my friend who REALLY wants him to be good pointed out to me) the performance, actually kinda stunk. Seems the curse of the beefcake as struck again. Hot doesn't always sell records Mr. Johns. Hope your visa is current. You're gonna need it.

Carly Smithson looks sick. And I don't mean DOPE, sick. I mean sick, sick. Like something is physically wrong. Maybe it was a left over case of "the vapors" she caught last week when she SHOCKINGLY ended up in the Bottom 3. Apparently I am the only person on the planet earth, who thinks Carly is the best singer, hands down, on this show. So I am starting to question my own sanity. Apparently so is Carly. She is singing the best karaoke song of all time "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (only made better if you hear it en francais) and just schlumps her way through it. I mean at the end it looked like she was straining to even get the notes out. Who stole Carly's mojo?!? Danny Noriega get your legging class ass over here right this moment and give Carly back her mojo!!! No WAY that Horse Girl is going to outlast the vocal chops of my favorite Irish Lassie. And her husband kinda scares me. I feel like at any moment he could go ballistic and start throwing chairs and shit. Dude, his FACE is tattooed. There is no telling what this man is capable of.


David Archuletta. Sigh. How do I dislike thee, let me count the ways. Before you jump down my throat and tap dance on what is left of my liver let me explain. Archuletta is the devil. He is. No really. I mean WHO is that happy all the time?! Who is so despeartely cute, big eared and dating a girl who looks creepily like Winnie from the Wonder Years?! Satan that's who. If you recall, Lucifer was God's favorite bright shining star too. Heaped with praise and admiration. he could do no wrong. Then one day, he started to believe the hype. Bit by bit, he thought HE was the reason for God's success. That God needed him, that he was nothing without him. Mark my words Nigels, watch your back with this one. He may look cute, but he's a slippery one. This week cheezy inspiration songs no one has heard of, next songs from Bible camp to lure us in a lil further into the abyss... (And yes, I do know I am insane.)

Kristie Lee Cook. Aka Tefflon. Aka the smartest contestant with the best PR senses in the the history of this show. The girl who has graced the bottom 3 every week since there was a bottom 3, pulled out the slickest stunt ever by playing to her base. In an unprecedented move, Ms. Cook belts out an lackluster, albeit, effective rendition of "God Bless The USA" complete with images of American Flags waving behind her. The only thing missing from this were a couple of Ford Trucks pulling up on stage, driven by Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood himself, complete with gun racks, a highschool marching band and a fireworks display. Even the judges ate it up. Hell, I ate it up. There was a moment last night, where I swear I heard the collective screeching of the tires of every big rig across America pulling over on the highway to show their support via text to AT&T. God Bless the USA.

David Cook. Err. Chris Daugtry. No, David Cook. No, Chris Daughtry. I confused. I mean, he sounds like Chris Daughtry. Dresses like Chris Daughtry. Has the styling and praise of Chris Daughtry. Other than the fact that its not 2006 and David looks more like a thumb than a Pocket Sized Rock God, I can't tell them apart. Seriously. I mean how much longer do the Nigels feel they must attone for their sins of letting Daughtry slip through their webbed fingers for the 3rd Most Shocking Reality TV Moment of all time. Let it go boys. It's ok to cry. You're sorry. What? Oh yeah where was I. Back to Cook. He rocked. Of course. Shocker. Yawn. Wanna make bets about how long it will be before they try and shave his thumb, err, head?

So who's history?

After the joy that can only come from fast forwarding through 59 minutes of torture for 1 minute of information, the votes are in (all 100 billion trillion of them) and Chickzie is outtie. Damn. I will miss his dimpled infectious smile and genuine humility. Ok, enough of that sentimental bullshit. As Simon put it, there is only 1 winner and so what does it matter what order the rest go. True Dat Simon. True Dat.