Top 24...or so we think

You know what I love about American Idol? They think we are stupid.

Ok, so we might be...ahem, Sanjaya, yeah I'm talking about you douchebag. But what I really mean is that they will give us a Top 24 full of standout fresh faces and talent juxtaposed agianst a big old helping of "Who the Hell?!" and then "allow" the American public to "vote" on who actually becomes OUR American Idol.

So being the kind and giving soul that I am, I thought I would guide you through the selection of the Top 12 they (they being the ever omnipotent Nigels) WISH they could cut directly to save you any undue strain that thinking might impose upon your poor overworked pea sized brain.

The Nigels Dream Team - Top 12

THE PROS - Michael "Hutchence" Johns, Carly "I Married a Guy with Tattoos ON HIS FACE" Smithson and David "Node Boy" Archuleta. Ok, this show is SO FREAKED out that pretty much every Idol it ever had has plummeted down the charts in recent history, that they aren't taking any chances. They figure that if they take an already "has been" (or never once was) that received a certain amount of critical acclaim for their previous recordings that they might actually have a shot at success with the publicity machine of AI/19 behind it. Something of reverse psychology you could say. Smart thinking boys.

THE DIVAS - Alexandra "Missy" Lushington, Syesha "I'm So Pretty, Oh So Pretty" Mercado and Asia'h "Daddy's Girl" Epperson. Lesson 101 of American Idol - Divas (read loud black girls) ALWAYS cancel each other out on this show. But maybe this year that could all change. Wait. I forgot about Fantasia. My bad. Sorry ladies -I'm sure there is a revival of Dreamgirls playing somewhere in a town near you.

THE ROCKERS - Robbie "Backstreet" Carrico, Amanda "Nurse Ratchet" Overmeyer and David "Emo" Cook. Ok, I'm gonna say it. Chris Daughtry was a fluke. Ask Bo Bice. Yawn. And don't we already have Rockstar - INXS aka Supernova aka Has Been 80's Rockers for 500 Alex?

THE SENSITIVE SOULS - Brooke "Snow" White, Kristy Lee "Horse Girl" Cooke and Chikezie "Easy as a Sunday Morning" Izie. For the viewer easily frightened by the sheer prospect of the aforementioned rock triumvirate, I offer you up a nice helping of ooey gooey blech on a stick. Sure these kids are talented and not bad on the eyes, but we already have Jordin Sparks. My teeth still hurt from last year.


So there you have it. Are we gonna buy it America? Are we going to let the British once again come to our shores and dictate (hell, they have already planted an Aussie and Irish Lassie in our midst) what we puritans should consider entertainment?

I say HELL NO!!! Fight back my little lemmings. Show those bad teethed, tea drinking, cockney blokes what we cowboys are made of ! Vote for Vanilla. That's right, The Bottom 12 I didn't even bother to mention above. You know who I'm talking about. The mostly nondescript, indiscernible freaks that appeal to Jesusland who still teach abstinence in school in the year 2008. That'll show them.

Then maybe then they will get back to the purity of this show. Kids whose only experience was singing in their highschool choirs, church or to the cows in the fields. Not these fame whorey, polished, annoying beoches and sons of beoches that seem to have invaded my one last baston of pure, un-mark burnett-ized, reality tv.

Ok, I'm done. Now, remember your homework for next week's elimination rounds my darlings. And in case you think that I am totally off my rocker, you did realize the title of my blog is "Idol Rants" right?

Until next week...