Thank Heaven for Little Girls

and for TiVo. After Tuesday night's performance I couldn't bear the thought of watching this show live. So here I sit, comfy on my bed, 2 days after the original airing, ready to settle in for oh...30 mins max(did I mention I LOVE TiVo) of the Train Wreck they are calling American Idol.

So I have HEARD that the girls aren't half bad some even good. Maybe not the caliber of Jennifer Hudson, Kelly Clarkson or Fantasia Barino (that one's for you Mark, personally I think she's the ghetto version of Macy Gray) mind you. But I am willing to reserve judgement (for now) and see what they've got.

For those of you playing along at home, once again, here is a cheat sheet for reference.

First things first. Is Paula aware she has a possum bobby pinned to the back of her head? Wait, I rescind that question. I forgot who I was talking about. I used the words "paula" and "aware" in the same sentence. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!

Ok, onto the "talent".

Stephanie reminds me of LaToya London. Whatever happened to her. Last time I saw her was as some correspondent at one of the previous season finales. I think she was drunk. Anywoo. Stephanie's good. Average torch singer good. She should be performing in some seedy jazz club in SoHo. And who is that hottie in the audience applauding for her. DAYUM. Hello there green eyes. You know how I love brown boys with green eyes. Wait, sorry. Focusing.

Amy is nice. I don't like nice. Nice is boring. So then if you follow simple logic - Amy is boring. And forgettable. Simon was right. Fast Forward....

Leslie is the girl we have NEVER seen before. What's up with that? Oh, she's not that good. And flat. Now I get it. And I know NOTHING about music.

And did I mention today how much I love Simon? No? Oh I do. So very, very ,very much. Tight baby t and all. Maybe I should take up stalking him. Hmmm...

Sabrina needs to eat. And some relaxer. Ok, so maybe I have had a LITTLE too much wine. But she can SANG. And DAYUM if that rock on her hand ain't HUGE. Girl got herself a daddy somewhere. You go Ms. Thang. Go celebrate and treat yourself at Ms. Yolanda's House of Hair in East Compton.

(Great Oscar moment camera cut to Stephanie when Simon says she is the best so far. Heh, I love the Nigels.)

Antonella needs to pack her bags and join her annoying bff. She's ok, but in a High School Musical kinda way. Zero personality. I don't care how pretty she is Paula and Simon (us pretty girls hate that btw). She'll crack by Week 5. Or off herself. Count on it.

Jordin is the little sister I wish I had. Except she can sing and I want to be the star. So I would take her out back and attempt to drown her in our kiddie pool. Too mean? I didn't think so either.

Nicole is another one of those randoms. Did this pool of contestants suck so bad that they heard street performers sing on the way to work at the 19 Records compound and say "Hey! Hey you! Want to be famous?" Voice major huh?

I think I liked Haley during the audition process. Except for that J-Lo audition outfit. And now, Meatloaf. Unless smothered in gravy with garlic mashers, I'll pass. With that voice, you;d be better off with a little Faith Hill or Helen Ready or one of those Sunday Morning Christian Revial Singers.

Melinda is my GIRL. But Aretha again. She has the BEST voice of anyone on this show. No Joke. But (there's always a but). She's not a star. Unless you put her in the Danny DeVito category of star. Talented, but not mainstream Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford kinda talented. And if Middle American likes anything, its the mainstream.

Alaina picked a crappy song. No one liked Chrissy Hines cause she's a great singer. She is a bad ass chick. Alain is not bad ass. She doesn't even have an ass. But she's (alas) pretty. And in Hollywood, that will get you far. Until you go Britney, shave your head and go bat shit crazy.

Next up is Pink...errr Gina. Same middle letters. Same girl that ends up on the show every year with "edge". Celine is tough. But she rocks it. You go white girl. It's about time you represent.
I humbly bestow the "Pink" moniker upon you. You earned it.

Lakisha, Lakisha, Lakisha. Now I have to be honest. I have heard clips of this performance on other shows all week and what I heard was DA BOMB. But hearing in in context, live on my TiVo - it brought me to tears (Yes, I cry. I'm not THAT souless). I think we are looking at our next Idol folks. Takes all the fun out of the next 42 weeks, but who cares. BIG GIRLS RULE!!!

Bottom Three
Amy - you and Nick are the key to my insomnia. Come on over anytime.
Leslie - at least dogs love you
Antonella - we don't like you and your stupid bff.

And I will end with a few simple words of wisdom. Being women, we must always reserve to change our minds at any time. So let it be known that this year, for the first time in Idol history, I, T'Allegra, am rooting for... a girl. And I will take it one step further...a BLACK girl.

(insert shock and awe here)